Because despite stress and exhaustion, I still want to share the pretty poem that our theo professor has read to us during class:

Mangyari lamang by Rico Abelardo

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag- ibig.
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
sa mga malabo ang paningin.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi 
nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani.
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan habang ipinagbubunyi
ang walang katulad na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal 
nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata.
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli
ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto at diwata.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmahal,
minahal at iniwan ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan.
Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
nang maging makahulugan ang mga paghagulgol sa dilim.
(This is my favorite part of the poem.)

At sa mga nananatiling nakaupo mangyari lamang
ay dahan-dahang tumalilis papalabas sa nakangangang pinto.
Umuwi na kayo at sumbatan ang mga magulang
na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw! 

At sa lahat ng naiwang nakatayo mangyari lamang
ay hagkan ang isa’t isa at yakapin ang mga sugatan.
Mabuhay tayong lahat na nagsisikap na makabalik sa ating pinagmulan!
Manatiling masaya at higit sa lahat magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.

I wish I had the ability to write things that could move people's hearts.

/readingloverelatedmangas

I'm sorry
I couldn't help it
I wanted to have fun
In return, you were ignored.

Sincerely
I did not mean for your sadness
I just loss control
Let insanity take over.

What I do regret most
Is seeing the bond between us
Just break into pieces
And you walking away.

And so I bid you
Good day, and good bye
Please accept
These tears and prayers for you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, Merry Christmas everyone. :)

I'm not mad, but I'm not happy. However, being unhappy doesn't mean I'm not satisfied. It means I fscking miss you, idiot. I'm not happy because I'm sad. And that makes obvious sense.

I wish I could take away your pain
But I won't
Because I might fall in love with you
And that'll cause me detriments
For when I love
I love with my whole heart.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Don't you hate it when you end up comparing yourself to the previous lover of your current boy of interest :U And you tell yourself "I'll be better than her" ._. can you really keep up to that challenge?

And here's a more crucial question: Does he even love you?

Meh.

"I can't live without that person."

Yes. Yes you can. Let me tell you a secret. You're saying the wrong words. Give yourself a little credit. Of course you can live without that person. You've practically lived almost your whole life without that person. You've met that person, 2, maybe 3 years ago, and suddenly the world revolves around that person? Please. How clingy can you get?

Let me rephrase what you said; it's not that you can't live without that person, it's just that, when that person forced entered and, I don't know, forced exited? Your mind and heart, days just felt a little longer, and life got a little harder to live by. But you can't say your life depends on that person. One day, you'll get over that person, and you'll be happy. I promise. Just. Love yourself.

--------------------------------------------------------

So, hello LJ. Long time no post. As for the entry, I suddenly thought about this during our philosophy class. We were discussing about the 'numinous experience' that was introduced by Otto. And he was trying to say that Schleiermacher's (spell check) idea about God's presence giving us "feeling of dependence" is wrong. Because mere feeling has degrees, and according to Otto, the experience of holy (or God, for Catholic people) cannot be surpassed upon degrees. If it were only to depend upon the feeling of dependence", we might as well feel the presence of God through our love for our parents, boyfriend or girlfriend, friends, pets, etc.

And how is this connected to my post again? Well, clearly, Otto is saying that your dependence upon, a boyfriend for example, is nothing compared to the "numinous experience". He tried to make it clearer by telling the story of Abraham, and how this person feels like ashes and dust when presented in front of God.

Which finally, brings me to my point. Dear person (let's name you A) who says you can't live without this other person (and let's name you B), unless you can prove that B is God, then I would not let you die for that person. Well actually, if I can speak for God (which is unlikely, but I'll try anyway), I don't think he'll let you die for him. Live your life. Cry. Cry harder. Then move on and let go. Been there. Done that. I absolutely know what I'm talking about. Well, almost.

I just gave a lecture to someone how it is unhealthy to think about sad things all the time. :U After that, I stalked xxxx over facebook and. *insert ocean of tears here* Up to date, it would mean crying for the same man for more than a year now. Dear Rii, you've cried since last year's summer, get the fuck over him. Wait for another guy that can give you more meaningful memories WHO WILL ACTUALLY STAY THROUGH IT ALL.

I'm not blaming him that our relationship did not work out. I guess not talking about it leads to diminishing feelings, and in effect, no happy ending for us. I still remember the days that we used to fight regarding peculiar reasons, and I realized that I probably started all those quarrels just to get his attention. Just so I could at least receive intense feeling from him, except that it's not love, but hate--anger, sadness. (At this point, I am somehow inspired to write a sad song. Damn. Where's my guitar when I need it?)

>_>

/ends insanity

I need friends that do not ditch me all the time. Q_Q I hate being alone.

11:03 PM. I seriously need to stop caring.

So this is what a heartbreak feels like again.

That moment when you deliberately try to evade that certain someone and you end up wanting to be with that person anyway.

Despite the pains, despite the hardships.

Because at the end of the day, your love is still greater than the anger inside you. And you did not know that at first.

Realizations come in late. And you know what comes after? Eternal misery and despair.

You do not know who to blame, because both has faults. You do not know whether to listen to pride or to your heartache.

All you know is that everything hurts.